Humour Anglais / Jokes

Nos interlocuteurs nous questionnent souvent au sujet de l'humour britannique.              
Et il n'est pas facile de l'expliquer.

Comme un bon exemple vaut mieux qu'un long discours,        
vous trouverez ci dessous un florilège de "JOKES"
que nous ont raconté nos correspondants anglais

"Two Somerset hunters are on the moor when one of them suddenly collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. Panting, he said to the operator:
'My friend is dead! What can I do ? What can I do ?'.
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, said to him:
‘Calm down. I can help you. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is silence, then a gunshot is heard. The hunter then picks up the phone and says:
‘OK! And now ?'"

« Peter, do you think I am a bad mother? »
-Well, my name is Andrew.

« This is the story of a sandwich walking into a pub …
The waitress says: ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” ».

« Do you know the difference between a hippo and a zippo? »
-One is really heavy and the other one is a little lighter.

« I was born in London. »
-Which part?
« All of me. »

"He used to take his dog to school every day, but he finally had to stop.
- How come?
- The dog got graduated."

*(special thanks to Colette)

Good Morning

Oh my what a day. Can you believe it?
The neighbours are complaining that my dog Toby has been barking non-stop.
I hate the electric zapping bark collars, so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shot a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently, they don’t like it.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled with the citronella liquid. And that’s where my morning should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So, I’m standing by my back door “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens.
I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” check list one more time. Again , I bark. Nothing happens.
Now I’m not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did…
I put the collar on.
I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.
I’m now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matter worse, the damn dog is barking. So, between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I’ve emptied a dozen blasts of citronella to my face.
During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, Yes, I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter.
MY NEIGHBOUR SAW THE WHOLE THING!
She was laughing so hard and she couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, she tells me:
“ I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn’t make it.”
So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too.
After checking to make sure I was OK, we parted and I went in to shower so I wouldn’t smell like ode de’ Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: Next Time (yes, there will always be a next time with me), make sure that:
1_ Don’t fill the collar before trying to set off.
2_ Remember your neighbour is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!

I hate to break the news that it gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same.
You’re welcome
Have a nice day ...

*(special thanks to Rose)

A vicar was madly keen on golf. One fine Sunday he could resist the temptation no longer. He hurried through the service and slipped away to play a few holes on a remote part of the course where he thought he would be unobserved. Unfortunately St Peter was looking down. Peter turned to the Almighty:
"Do you see that?" he asked.
"I do."
"Are you going to punish him?"
"I am."
At that moment the vicar teed up and hit the most tremendous shot he'd ever hit in his life, and holed out in one.
"What sort of punishment is that?" asked Peter.
"Ah, dont't you see _ he won't be able to tell anyone about it!"

A man drove properly and circumspectly across the green light. As he did so a woman, driving a statiowagon with 14 children in it, crashed through the red light and the two cars collided. The man said:
"You stupid woman, don't you know when to stop?"
"Oh," she replied, "they're not all mine."

A worried little man walked into a grocer's shop and asked for a pound of moth balls. The grocer sold him a pound of moth balls.
A week later he returned and asked for another pound of moth balls. The grocer, somewhat surprised, sold him another pound.
A week later the little man returned and asked for two pounds of moth balls. The grocer, now amazed, asked gently:
"You seem to have a lot of moths in your house."
"There are," said the man, "and you can't hit them every time."

As a member of the twining society of Watchet, "X" decided to learn French and took one of those"crash courses" for this purpose. He was naturally anxious to try out this newly acquired language, so during their visit to Saint Renan, at the banquet, he sat down next to a french twinner.
For some time he was clearly  at a loss to start the conversation, when a fly alighted on a glass of red wine and gave him the opportunity.
_ " Regardez LE mouche !" he said.
_ The french twinner, who could speak perfect English, replied:
_ " LA mouche, the fly is feminine !"
The english member was most impressed and turned to an english twinner on the other side and said:
_ "Goodness, don't these foreigners have remarkable eyesight."
 

 Membre ducomité de jumelage de Watchet, Mr "X" a décidé d'apprendre le Français sur internet. Et, bien évidemment, il était impatient de pratiquer . Aussi, durant leur vissite à Saint Renan, il a été placé près d'un membre du comité de Saint Reanan lors du banquet.
Il est vite apparu que Mr "X" était un peu intimidé et ne savait comment engager la discussion, quand une mouche s'est posée sur son verre de vin. Mr "X" a saisi l'opportunité:
_ " Regardez LE mouche !" a-t-il dit..
Son voisin de table, qui parlait parfaitement anglais,  lui a répondu:
_ " LA mouche, the fly is feminine !"
Très impressionnné, Mr"X" s'est tourné vers un autre membre anglais du comité de Watchet et lui a dit:
_ "Bonté divine, je ne savais pas que les français avaient une vue si perçante!"

Two Lancashire lads won  £500,000 on the pools and decided it would make no difference to their way of life. No more it did for some weeks, when one night over a drink, Bill said to Tom;
_ "Tom, dusta know what I'd like to do?"
_ No, Bill, what would tha like to do ?
_ I'd like to go to London.
_ Reet, will go tomorrer.

So early next day off they went on a day excursion. Arriving in London they went to see Westminster Abbey and then to Buckingham Palace and also saw the Changing of the Guard. Then Bill said:
_ Tom dusta know what I'd like now?
_ No, Bill, what would tha like
_Some fish and chips
_ "Reet? We'll have some fish and chips. Let's go and find a chip shop.

Having found a shop and having had a good feed they walked down Picadilly and past the motor showrooms when Bill said:
_ Tom, I think I'd like to buy a motor car.
_ Reet, let's buy a motor car

So into a showroom they went. The salesman came forward
_ Good afternoon, gentlemen, what is your pleasure?
_ we came in ti buy a motor car.
_ Certainly, any special kind?
_ No, just show us some
_ We've got a nice Mini which has only done 750 miles. You can have that for  £8,000
_ Nay we want summat better than that
_ Well, here is a Rover, only one owner. That'll cost you £ 18,000
_That's more like it, but yon looks a nice one.
_It is. That's a Daimler and that'll cost cost you $90,000

Bill: _ Reet, we'll have two
Salesman: _ Yes, sir. How do you propose  to pay: By deferred payments?
Bill: _ No, I'll pay by cheque: $90,000 each, that's £180,000., isn't it?
And Bill starts to write when Tom says:
_ Hey, put that cheque book away. It's my turn. You paid for t' fish and chips!

A baby was found in a fridge between the cheese ans a bottle of red wine.
_English comment: What a pity; poor baby.
_French comment: What a shame; red wine in the fridge.

A native of Kentucky who was visited Texas had been well wined and dined by a native of the latter state. In the course of the conversation he said to his host:
_ " You know, we have enough gold in the State of Kentucky to build a wall one brick thick and three feet high clear around the whole State of Texas."
_ " Go ahead and build your wall. If we like it, we'll buy it."

110
33

On his first visit to the university, a young man lost his way in South Manchester. He stopped and asked an elderly policeman:
_ "How do I get to Salford University, please?"
_ "Young man" he replied, "you have to work very hard."

Un jeune homme s'est perdu, alors qu'il se rendait pour la première fois à l'université. Il arrête sa voiture pour demander son chemin à un policeman.
_ "Que dois-je-faire pour aller à l'université de Salford, SVP ?"
_ "Jeune homme, il vous faut travailler dur!" fut sa réponse.

Observed in a Glasgow street in the days of horse transport:
A somewhat drunken man watched a carter trying to adjust the nosebag on a rather fractious horse. Eventually the drunk can stand it no longer and blurst out:
_ "You'll never do it, you'll never do it."
_ " Never do what?" asks the carter.
_ " You'll never put that big horse in that little bag;"

One of the guests, who had "much enjoyed" the evening, came down _rather late_  to breakfast the next morning in one brown shoe, and one white shoe. A friend remarked on this, to which came this reply:
_ " That is a funny thing, old boy, there is another pair of shoes just like it in my wardrobe."

Two gentlemen in their club.
First gentleman:
_ " I was sorry to hear you buried your wife last week."
Second gentleman:
- " I had to, old boy, she died."
 

Deux gentlemen discutent assis dans leur club.
Premier homme:
_ " J'ai été désolé d'apprendre que vous avez enterré votre femme la semaines dernière."
Deuxième homme:
_ " Pas moyen de faire autrement, cher ami, elle était morte."

A dear old Irish Lady went to confession, and as she was deaf she was inclined to shout. The priest told her to speak more quietly as all the people in the church could hear what she was saying. She yelled back at him:
_ "What did you say ?"
So he told her that the next time she came to confession she would write down what she had to say.
On the next occasion she knelt down and handed a piece of paper through the grille. The priest looked at it and said:
_ " What's this supposed to be? It looks like a list of groceries."
_ " Mother of God !" Said the old Lady, " I must have left my sins in the Tesco's supermarket !"

The Virtuous Man:
I am described by my friends as an examplary man:
I do not drink, seldom smoke, do not go around with other women. I go to bed early and I get up early too. I work long hours and I take exercice regurlaly every day.
But, all this is going to change when I got out of prison.

L'Homme Vertueux
Mes amis me considèrent comme un homme exemplaire:
Je ne bois pas, je fume rarement, je ne cours pas après les femmes. Je vais me coucher de bonne heure, et je me lève de même. Je travaille de longues heures et je fais de l'exercice tous les jours.
Mais, tout celà va changer quand je sortirai de prison.

A priest was having great difficulty in finding some virtues to tell in respect of the deceased whose funeral service he was conducting. He asked the widow if she would like to help him, but she vigorously shook her head ans remained silent.
The priest then asked the assembled mourners if there were amongst them someone who would speak on behalf of the deceased. There was total silence.
_ " Surely, " said the priest, "someone has something good to say about the dear departed."
Suddenly at the back of the church, a voice was heard:
_ " His brother was even worse!"

Two men at the cinema were watching the huge figure of John Wayne approach the low door of a Mexican taverna.
_"Bet a pound he bangs his head," said the first man.
_"Ok. _ you're on," replied the second man.
Sure enough he did bang his head, whereupon the first man said:
_"I've got to be honest _ I've seen the film before."
_"So have I," replied the second man, "but I didn't think he'd do it a second time."

French Hospitality is the art of making people feel at home when you wish they were at home.
*

L'hospitalté française c'est l'art de faire en sorte que les invités se sentent
"à la maison" chez vous, alors  que ce que vous voudriez c'est qu'ils restent chez eux.

The bishop had received quite a few letters about a young curé who, in the opinion of the writers, had far too beautiful and attractive a housekeeper. The bishop decided to pay a visit to the parish and went to stay with the curé. There were no doubt that the housekeeper was both young and very beautiful, but all seemed to be in perfect order and the bishop could find no fault at all in the way the young curé behaved towards her;
The bishop was taken on a conducted tour of the parish and was shown the highly prized candlesticks of solid gold which stood on the altar in the village church.
The bishop took his leave. Three days later he received a letter from the curé telling of the old fact that the candlesticks had been found to be missing. The curé wrote:
_" Of course, I do not say that a man so eminent as Your Grace has taken the candlesticks, but I think you must agree that the disappearance of the candlesticks on the day of your Grace's departure could be taken as strong circumstantial evidence."
The bishop replied:
_" My son, I do not accuse you of sleeping with your housekeeper, but you must agree that the circumstantial evidence is very strong. you see, Had you slept in your own bed after my departure you would have found those candlesticks!"

Monseigneur l'évêque avait reçu plusieurs lettres au sujet d'un jeune curé qui, selon leus auteurs, avait une servante trop jeune et trop jolie.
L'évêque decida donc d'aller rendre visite à la paroisse et s'installa au presbytère. Effectivement la servante du curé était à la fois jeune et belle mais tout semblait en ordre et l'évêque  ne trouva rien à redire dans la façon dont le curé se comportait avec elle;
L'évêque fût invité à visiter la paroisse et on lui présenta les deux chadeliers en or massif, de grande valeur,  qui trônaient sur l'autel de l'église paroissiale
.
Puis l'évêque s'en alla. Trois jours plus tard, il reçut une lettre du curé qui lui disait que les deux chandeliers avaient disparu. La lettre du curé se terminait ainsi:
_" Bien sûr, je n'affirme pas qu'un homme aussi intègre que votre grâce a pris les chandeliers, mais je pense que vous comprenez que le fait qu'ils aient disparu le jour de votre visite pose des doutes sérieux."
L'évêque répondit:
_ Mon fils, je ne vous accuse pas de coucher avec votre servante, mais vous devez reconnaître que les doutes sont sérieux. Sachez que si vous aviez  dormi dans votre lit après mon départ, vous y auriez trouvé ces deux chandeliers."

_"Sorry to disturb you, doctor, but could you come at once, please. The baby has swallowed the corkscrew."
Five minutes later, just as he got dressed, another call:
-"oh, I'm so glad I've caught you. Sorry to have disturb you, but everything is all right now _ we've found another corkscrew."

_" Désolé de vous déranger, Docteur, mais pouvez-vous venir immédiatement, S'il vous plait? Le bébé a avalé le tire-bouchon."
Cinq minutes plus tard, alors qu'il venait de s'habiller, un nouvel appel.
_" Oh, je suis content de vous avoir eu. Désolé de vous avoir dérangé , mais désormais tout va bien _ nous avons trouvé un autre tire-bouchon."

A shepperd went all the way to Lanark for a big sheep sale. That night he tried to book a room. He tried hotel after hotel but they were all full. Eventually the manager of a small hotel said there was a room with a double bed with, so far, only a girl in it. So the manager went upstairs and the girl said she had no objection. The sheperd was taken upstairs, kicked off his boots and got into bed.
Five minutes later the girl said:
_ " I'm feeling cold."
_ " Shut up," said the sepherd. "I'm very tired and want to go to sleep."
Five minutes later the girl said:
_"Would you shut the window"
The sheperd said:
_"Shall we pretend to be married?"
The Girl said:
_"That would be wonderful, just what I was hoping for."
_"Well," said the sheperd, " In that way, now YOU can get up and shut this fucky window."

A fellow died and went to heaven and Peter said:
_ " You have been a bad man and can't come in unless you have passed the test. Take this spoon and go to the desert and turn over every grain of sand;"
_ " That's going to take a long time," said the guy.
_ " You have plenty of time," said Peter, "you're dead."
So off he went and did it, returning to heaven a hundred years later.
_ " Now your next test," said Peter. "Are you ready? Take this bucket and turn over every wave in the ocean."
_ " That's not fair," said the guy, "isn't there an alternative?"
_ " Well," said Peter, "you could go down to the Savoy Hotel in London. There is a meeting on tonight and Boris Johnson is speaking. Stand beside him until he tells you the truth about Brexit."
_ " Give me the bucket." Said the guy.

C'est l'histoire d'un mec qui arrive au Paradis. Saint Pierre lui dit:
_"Vous vous êtes mal conduit sur terre, et vous ne pouvez pas entrer ici à moins de passer un test. Prenez cette cuiller, allez dans le désert et retournez chaque grain de sable."
_ " Ca va me prendre une éternité," dit le mec.
_" Vous avez tout le temps que vous voulez," dit Saint Pierre " vous êtes mort."
Le mec s'en alla et remplit sa corvée, retournant vers Saint Pierre cent ans plus tard.
_"Maintenant le test suivant." dit Saint Pierre. "Etes-vous prêt? Prenez ce seau et allez retouner chaque vague de l'océan."
_ " Ce n'est pas loyal," dit le mec,"n'y a-t-il pas une épreuve alternative?"
_ "Si ! " dit Saint Pierre, Vous devrez redescenre sur terre à l'hôtel SAVOY de Londres. Il y a un meeting prévu ce soir et Boris Johnson va prendre la parole. Vous devrez rester auprès de lui tant qu'il ne vous aura pas dit la vérité sur le Brexit."
_ " Passez-moi le seau." Dit le mec.

Once upon a ime, not so long ago, three tortoises ( two big ones and one little one) set out for a picnic. It took a very, very long time indeed for the three of them to reach their intended spot, but happily for them the weather was fine all week. When they arrived the two big ones at once unpacked the eggs, the bread, the biscuits, jams, cakes and a large bottle of fizzy lemonade. Meanwhile, the little one was sent off to forage for suitable green stuff to make a salad.
When he got back the little one was greeted with a gruff voice saying:
_ " You have forgotten the salt."
_ " What you mean is, WE have forgotten the salt, don't you ?"
_ " Well it does not matter one way or the other, you just run along and fetch it and be quick about it;"
_ " why me?"
_ " Cos;"
" Because why,"
_ " Because we are bigger than you and we say so, OK?"
_ " OK," said the little one resignedly, "I'll go, but only on one condition, that you absolutely promise not to drink the fizzy lemonade."
_ " fair enough, now gertcha!"
So off scampered the little one. After a day he was almost completely out of sight and the others sat down to wait. A week went by with no sign of him, as did the rest of the month. 
By now the big ones were ready for a drink. After a brief discussion they mutually agreed to have just a sip and were about to do so when a little head looked round from a pile of stones and said:
_ " If you do, I won't go."

Il était une fois, il n'y a pas si longtemps, trois tortues (deux grandes et une petite) qui partirent pique-niquer. Il leur fallut un très long temps pour arriver à l'endroit voulu, mais par bonheur le temps est resté au beau fixe toute la semaine. Quand elles arrivèrent, les deux grandes déballèrent les oeufs, le pain, les biscuits, les confitures, les gâteaux et une grande bouteille de limonade. Pendant ce temps, la petite avait été désignée pour aller chercher de quoi faire une salade.
Quand elle revint, la plus jeune fut accueillie par un concert de voix lui disant:
_ " Tu as oublié le sel."
_ " Vous voulez dire, NOUS avons oublié le sel, en fait ?"
_ " Peu importe qui a oublié le sel, tu dois retourner le chercher, et en vitesse."
_ " Et pourquoi moi?"
_ " Pasque."
_ " Parce que quoi?"
_ " Parce que nous sommes plus grandes que toi, et c'est nous qui décidons, OK ?"
_ " OK, dit la petite résignée, Je vais y aller mais à une condition, vous devez me promettre de ne pas boire la limonade."
_ " Cela semble honnête, maintenant dégage."
Sur ce la petite tortue est partie. Un jour plus tard elle était hors de vue et les deux autres s'assirent pour attendre. Une semaine se passa et aucun signe de vie de la petite tortue. Le mois entier passa sans plus de résultat.
Les deux grandes tortues commençaient à avoir soif. Après une brêve discussion, elles décidèrent de prendre chacune une petite goulée. Et elles était sur le point de le faire quand une petite tête dépassa d'un tas de cailloux et dit:
_ " Si vous buvez la limonade, je ne pars pas..."

An Admiral who liked always to have the last word and who was noted for his addiction to work, was walking roud his flagship one morning.
In the barber's shop he came upon a sailor in the chair. The use of "Service Time" for such an activity was not popular with the Admiral.
"Having you hair cut in working hours, I see" humped the Admiral.
"Yes, sir, it grew in working hours," replied the sailor.
The Admiral was not yet to be outdone.
"It did not all grow in working hours,' he said.
"No, Sir," responded the sailor, "It's why I'm not having it all cut off !"

Un matin, un amiral qui ne supportait pas de ne pas avoir le dernier mot et qui était connu par son addiction au travail, faisait une ronde autour de son navire.
Passant devant chez le coiffeur, il tomba sur un marin assis sur un fauteil. L'Amiral n'aimait pas du tout que l'on utilise ses heures de service pour ce genre d'occupation.
_ "Je vois qu'on se fait couper les cheveux pendant les heures de service" sermonna l'Amiral.
_ " Oui, Monsieur, ils poussent pendant les heures de service." Répondit le marin.
Mais l'Amiral n'avait pas dit son dernier mot.
_ "Ils ne poussent pas totalement pendant les heures de service." dit l'Amiral.
_ "Non, Monsieur," répondit le marin, "C'est pourquoi je ne les coupe pas totalement!"

My Grandma Carol is 87 years old and still drives her own car. Yesterday I got a letter from her that I just had to share. She writes:

Dear Allie my favourite granddaughter,
Last week I went up to our local Christian book store, you know the one across from Mcdonalds. Anyways I saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a uplifting choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it the bumper of my Buick.
And Allie, I was so I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light on Reynolds road. It’s a very busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus 

While I was sitting there, the guy in the pickup truck behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’
‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked Kevin (her young teenage grandson) in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
Kevin burst out laughing.

Why was he even enjoying this religious experience!! And you know he hasn’t been to church in a long time.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

* *(special thanks to Rose)

Ma grand-mère Carol a 87 ans et conduit toujours sa propre voiture. Hier, j'ai reçu une lettre d'elle que je me dois de partager. Elle écrit:

Chère Allie, ma petite-fille préférée,
La semaine dernière, je suis allée à notre librairie chrétienne locale, tu sais; celle en face du Mcdonalds. Quoi qu'il en soit, j'ai vu un autocollant pour pare-chocs "Klaxonnez si vous aimez Jésus".
Je me sentais particulièrement joyeuse ce jour-là parce que je venais d'assister auconcert d'une chorale très entraînant, suivi d'une réunion de prière revigorante. Alors, j'ai acheté l'autocollant et je l'ai mis le pare-chocs de ma Buick. Et Allie, j'étais tellement content de l'avoir fait; quelle expérience édifiante a suivi ce simple geste.

J'ai été arrêté à un feu rouge sur  Reynolds Road à une intersection très fréquentée. J'étais si perdue dans mes pensées concernant le Seigneur et à quel point il est bon,  que je n’ai pas remarqué que le feu était passé au vert. Heureusement que quelq'un dans la file aimait Jésus parce que s'il n'avait pas klaxonné, je n'aurais jamais remarqué le feu vert.
Et c'est ainsi que j'ai su que beaucoup de gens aiment Jésus

Alors que j'étais assise là, le gars dans la camionnette derrière moi a commencé à klaxonner comme un fou, puis il s'est penché par la fenêtre et a crié: "Pour l'amour de Dieu!"
'Allez! Roulez! Avancez! Au nom du Christ, partez! »
Quel promoteur exubérant il était pour Jésus!
Tout le monde a commencé à klaxonner!
Je me suis juste penchée par ma fenêtre et j'ai commencé à saluer et à sourire à tous ces gens aimables.
J'ai même klaxonné plusieurs fois pour partager leur amour de Dieu.
Il devait y avoir un conducteur continental dans la file parce que je l'ai entendu crier quelque chose comme d'aller me faire voir chez les Grecs.
J'ai vu un autre gars lever son bras d'une manière amusante avec seulement son majeur dressé en l'air.

J'ai demandé à Kevin (son jeune petit-fils adolescent) assis sur le siège arrière ce que cela signifiait. Il a dit que c'était probablement un signe de bonne chance continental ou quelque chose de ce genre.
De fait, je n'ai jamais rencontré de continentaux, alors je me suis penchée par la fenêtre et je lui ai rendu le signe de bonne chance tout de suite.  Kevin éclata de rire.
J'étais étonnée qu'il appréciait cette manifestation religieuse !! Tu sais qu'il n'est pas allé à l'église depuis longtemps.
Quelques personnes étaient tellement prises dans la joie du moment qu'elles sont sorties de leur voiture et ont commencé à marcher vers moi.
Je parie qu'ils voulaient prier ou demander quelle église je fréquentais, mais c'est à ce moment que j'ai remarqué que la lumière avait changé.
Alors, souriant, j'ai fait un signe de la main à tous mes frères et sœurs et j'ai traversé l'intersection.
J'ai remarqué que j'étais la seule voiture à avoir traversé l'intersection (avant que la lumière ne change à nouveau) et je me sentais un peu triste de devoir les quitter après tout l'amour que nous avions partagé.
J'ai donc ralenti la voiture, je me suis penchée par la fenêtre et je leur ai donné le signe de chance continental une dernière fois alors que je m'éloignais. Louons le Seigneur pour ces gens merveilleux!

Je te réécrirai bientôt,
Love, grand-mère

Best Irish Joke in a long Time !

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll Not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. 
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll Be on my way then'. 
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face
Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says ...
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. 
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and falls into bed
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

*(special thanks to Rose)

*

 La meilleure histoire irlandaise depuis longtemps ?

Paddy était en train de boire dans son pub local à Dublin toute la journée et une grande partie de la nuit pour fêter la Saint Patrick. Mick, le barman lui dit:
Tu devrais arrêter de boire pour cette nuit Paddy!.
Paddy répondit: Ok Mick, je rentre à la maison.
Paddy fit pivoter son tabouret de bar et descendit. Il tomba face contre terre.
Merde dit il et il se cramponna au tabouret puis se nettoya. Puis il fit un pas vers la porte et retomba face contre terre.
Putain de Merde.
Paddy regarda la porte d'entrée du pub et se dit que s'il pouvait seulement atteindre cette foutue porte et prendre un bol d'air frais tout irait bien. Il rampa jusqu'à la porte et s'accrocha à la poignée. Puis il colla sa face à l'extérieur et prit une grande bouffée d'air pur, se sentit instantanément mieux et fit un pas vers le trottoir où il s'affala face contre terre.
Nom de Dieu, de nom de Dieu, de nom de Dieu, dit il.
Il pouvait voir sa maison à deux pas de là, et rampa jusqu'à la porte de son domicile, Se redressa pour ouvrir la porte et entra chez lui. A ce moment il se retrouva face à l'escalier qui menait aux chambres du  premier étage: 
Bordel d'escalier de merde !!!
Il rampa sur l'escalier jusqu'à sa chambre et arrivé sur le palier  se dit:
Maintenant droit sur le lit. 
Il fit un pas vers sa chambre et tomba face contre terre. Il dit: M... et tomba en travers du lit.
Le lendemain matin sa femme, Jess, lui apporta son petit déjeuner au lit et dit:
debout Paddy! N'aurais tu pas bu un peu trop la nuit dernière?
Paddy répondit: En effet Jess, Vraiment désolé. Mais comment le sais tu ?
Mick a téléphoné... Tu as oublié ton fauteuil roulant au pub.

Un dramatique accident est survenu dans une usine au Pays de Galles et un des ouvriers y a trouvé la mort. Ses collègues décidèrent que c'était de leur devoir de prévenir personnellement la femme de ce dernier et décidèrent de déléguer la tâche au plus diplomate d'entre eux. Après un long conciliabule, leur choix se porta sur DAI .
DAI frappa à la porte et se présenta ainsi:
"Je suis bien chez la veuve Jones?"
"La veuve Jones? Mais pas du tout, Mon mari est parti au travail ce matin et il allait parfaitement bien."
"Vous voulez parier?"

A salesman tired of his job joined the police force. A friend asked him :
"How do you like being a policeman?"
He replied:
"The pay is good and the hours are OK. but the best of all the customers is always wrong ! "

Un commercial fatigué de son boulot décide de s'engager dans la police. Un ami lui demande:
"Et alors, ce travail dans la police?"
Il Répond:
" Le salaire est bon et les horaires ça va. Mais le summum c'est que le client a toujours tort !"

*

A solitary traveller had fallen over a cliff at night. Luckily he managed to grab hold of a bush near the top, and hung over the blackness shouting:
" Is anybody down there?"
"Yes," came a voice, "I'm doxn here. Let yourself go. You can trust me. I am God."
There was a long pause.
"Is anybody else down there?"

Un promeneur solitaire chute d'une falaise à la nuit tombée. Par chance, il arrive à s'agripper à un buisson au sommet du gouffre, et reste pendu là criant:
Y a t il quelqu'un en bas ?
Oui, repond une voix. Je suis en bas. Laissez-vous tomber. ayez confiance. Je suis Dieu.
Il y eut alors un long silence. Puis:
Y a t il quelqu'un d'autre en bas ?

*

A country minister, on a very small stipend, was unexpectedly offered the chance to move to a wealthy city parish.
One of his congregation, who had heard of this, called at the manse,where he was met by the minister's daughter. He asked her if her father had come to a decision.
"Well, daddy's in the study praying for guidance, and mummy's upstairs packing."

Le pasteur d'une petite communauté villageoise se voit offrir un nouveau poste à la tête d'une paroisse prospère de la grande ville voisine.
Un de ses paroissiens _ au courant de cette chance_ est appelé au presbytère où il est reçut par la fille du pasteur. Il lui demande si son père a pris une décision.
"En fait, papa est dans son bureau implorant l'aide du Saint Esprit, et maman est à l'étage en train de boucler les valises."

Comité de jumelage Saint Renan _ Watchet

Mother (at the end of an attemp to persuade her daughter to walk to the local town to save fuel):
"After all, what where you given two legs for?"
"Oh," cried the daughter, "one for the accelerator and one for the brake."

*

Doctor to patient:
" There is a 50/50 chance of success in this opération.
You will be OK"
Patient: Why will I be OK?"
Doctor: "The first 50 have already died !"

07
10

Docteur:
"Il y a 50/100 de chances de réussite concernant votre opération.
Rassurez vous tout ira bien"
Patient: "Comment savez vous que tout ira bien?"
Docteur: "les 50 premiers sont déjà morts !"

Comment expliquer l'hérédité ?
Si votre grand père n'a pas eu d'enfants et que votre père, lui non plus, n'a pas eu d'enfants, il ya de fortes chances qu'à votre tour vous n'ayez pas d'enfants.

 A bsusinessman walking acroos Westminter Bridge was shocked to see another businessman on the parapet about a jump.
He asked: "Why,"
The second man began to explain :
the governmant, the trade unions, difficult customers...
Oh, come down and tell me about it" said the first man, "it can't be as bad as all that."
Five minutes later they were both standing on the parapet.

Comité de jumelage Saint Renan _ Watchet

 Le démon n'arrêtait pas de demander à St Pierre d'organiser un match de football, ce à quoi St Pierre se refusait obstinément jusqu'au jour, où se promenant à travers le paradis, il s'aperçut qu'un grand nombre d'internationaux avaient franchi les grilles dorées.
"C'est d'accord, je veux bien organiser un match de foot" dit alors St Pierre. "On prend les paris?"
"Vous allez perdre" dit le diable.
"Ce n'est pas si sûr" répondit St Pierre, "j'ai avec moi une belle brochette d'internationaux."
"Vous allez perdre" surenchérit  le diable.
"Qu'est ce qui vous rend si sûr de vous ?" s'informa St Pierre
"Tous les arbitres sont en bas avec moi." Répondit Lucifer dans un grand éclat de rire..

Un américain achète un parapluie chez Coke sur St James street à Londres. Il choisit un exemplaire de grande valeur puis demande:
"Maintenant il faut me montrer comment le refermer"
"Mais Monsieur, il ne faudra jamais l'ouvrir"
"Et que faire s'il pleut?"
"Très simple Monsieur, vous vous tenez sur le bord du trottoir, Vous tendez votre parapluie en l'air et vous criez " TAXI".

Clerk of the court: "And how do you plead, guilty or not guilty?"
Defendant in the deck: "Not very guilty."

*